A letter to a friend

I wanted to let you know that when I sent those messages to you yesterday, that it helped me a lot. I felt horrible after saying that I could hate God, even sometimes, but that it was real and not fake.  When I repeat the statement about hating Him it actually made me realize that it's just not true. Sending that message was one of the best things I could have done.  To actual think it's what I felt inside and not allowing myself to be bold enough to make such a statement was making me crazy. Finally saying it out loud to someone made it come to life, I picked it apart, do I really hate God? Why? How? It's just not possible for me to do, He is my Father, He has given me so much and yes, He has taken away just as much. But I love Him and He loves me, and I've learned so much about what's important in this life through the loss of the ones I love and by not turning from God, but grabbing a hold of Him as tight as I can, I have become a completely new, whole person. Where I had years of depression and self destructive behavior, He came in and cleaned it all out and has made my emptiness full and my sadness fade. And look at what He did for Jack. He gave him more life than any of us can imagine. His purpose was so full. Yes, God could have saved my son but He did not because that was not His will. Jack lived exactly the life God intended and it took him 58 days to successfully complete everything God had planned for him. God didn't take my son away from me, God healed my son for me so how can I say or feel like I hate Him and not be completely be ashamed of myself. Only then to repeat such a thing to someone I love and want to know God's love as well. I have been living in my wants the past couple of weeks, my want for Jack to be in my arms, healthy, my want for another child, and my want to be able to physically conceive a baby. All these things, God has said "no, not now, maybe not ever" and He says theses things with pain in His heart because He knows it hurts me but He knows what's best and He knows what's in the bigger picture. And I, no matter how much it hurts or how empty it may feel, know I can hold on to my Father and He will give me peace and fill the void. When I look back on my life, I don't know how I ever made it without Him. I always knew He was there and I believed in His exsistence but I didn't have that personal relationship with Christ. He is God in flesh and He is my brother, He has saved my life and I can't wait to see Him again holding my son, welcoming me home. I have asked God to forgive me for saying I hate Him and now I am asking you to please forgive me for being so negative. But I do know it was His plan for me to get that low otherwise I'd still be stuck in my pity party, with no one to dance with but my miserable self.